If Enterprise Had AIM
by E Chiove
Summary: Chapter 2 now up. yay. (!) The crewwomen compare the - um - attributes of some of the senior staff.
1. Sr Staff Away Mission

If Enterprise had AOL.  
  
By Like A Stone  
  
Disclaimer: AOL does not belong to me. Star Trek does not belong to me.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Enterprise1 Chat Room Log  
  
**ToBoldyGo has entered the room**  
  
**LemmeFixIt has entered the room**  
  
**ShootitifitMoves has entered the room**  
  
**Stethoscope336 has entered the room**  
  
**BoomerBoy has entered the room**  
  
**FLuEnT sTaR19 has entered the room**  
  
**Subcommander0001 has entered the room**  
  
ToBoldyGo: sry that we have to talk in here - they are still working on my ready rm  
  
Subcommander0001: The first topic on our itinerary is the coming-up away mission.  
  
ToBoldyGo: Mal, we'll need you for security.  
  
ShootiitifitMoves: Aye, aye.  
  
ToBoldyGo: Hoshi, do you think you will be able to communicate with them?  
  
FLuEnT sTaR19: Sí. Ken. Yes. Ja. Oui.  
  
ToBoldyGo: Trip, I need one of your top engineers.  
  
LemmeFixIt: Why don't u just ake me?  
  
LemmeFixIt: *take  
  
ShootitifitMoves: I imagine it's because he doesn't want you to get preggers again.  
  
BoomerBoy: LOL  
  
FLuEnT sTaR19: LOL  
  
LemmeFixIt: STFU  
  
LemmeFixIt: At least I HAVE a sex life. : )  
  
**LemmeFixIt has been warned by ShootitifitMoves. LemmeFixIt's warning level has increased 15% from 0% to 15%**  
  
Stethoscope336: Actually, patient logs show that Lt. Reed is quite sexually active.  
  
**Stethoscope336 has been warned by ShootitifitMoves. Stethoscope336's warning level has increased 15% from 0% to 15%**  
  
ShootitifitMoves: You b*****d. Where's the bloody doctor/patient confidentiality?  
  
**ShootitifitMoves has been warned anonymously. ShootitifitMoves's warning level has increased by 10% from 0% to 10%**  
  
Stethoscope336: We don't have doctor/patient confidentiality on Denobula.  
  
ShootitifitMoves: Well, we're not on Denobula, are we?  
  
Subcommander0001: I will be right back.  
  
FLuEnT sTaR19: --sigh-- Are you guys done yet?  
  
Automated Response From Subcommander 0001: I am currently meditating. I will be back in a few minutes.  
  
ToBoldyGo: Trip, you will stay behind. I need you in charge of the ship.  
  
LemmeFixIt: You probably can't hear me but I am grumbling quiet obscenities in your general direction..  
  
LemmeFixIt: ..sir.  
  
ShootitifitMoves: That's insubordination, Captain, you should throw Commander Fucker in the brig.  
  
ShootitifitMoves: * I mean Tucker. Whoops.  
  
FLuEnT sTaR19: LMAO!!!  
  
**ShootitifitMoves has been warned anonymously. ShootitifitMoves' warning level has increased by 10% from 10% to 20%**  
  
LemmeFixIt: Hey, where's the resident Vulcan?  
  
Subcommander0001: I have returned.  
  
ToBoldyGo: You really didn't miss anything.  
  
Subcommander0001: What does "LMAO" mean?  
  
FLuEnT sTaR19: Um, it, uh, it just means that what someone said was funny.  
  
Subcommander0001: Thank you.  
  
BoomerBoy: Am I coming on this away mission?  
  
ToBoldyGo: Travis, you will fly us down. Hoshi, you will translate. Trip, you will have command. T'pol you will accompany us. Phlox you will stand by on Enterprise. Malcolm, you and Hayes will protect us.  
  
BoomerBoy: OkeyDokey  
  
FLuEnT sTaR19: O.K.  
  
LemmeFixIt: Ugh. Fine.  
  
Subcommander0001: Aye, sir.  
  
ShootitifitMoves: Hell, NO!!!! I can NOT work with that man! He is constantly in my face. and. no. it just will not work.  
  
LemmeFixIt: Haha. Sucker.  
  
**LemmeFixIt has been warned anonymously. LemmeFixIt's warning level has increased 10% from 15% to 25%**  
  
ShootitifitMoves: I would rather shoot my own leg off, than spend 3 days with him.  
  
ToBoldyGo: Well, then you had better power up your phase pistol.  
  
LemmeFixIt: LOLROTFLMAO!!!!  
  
Subcommander0001: To use a human expression: huh?  
  
ShootitifitMoves: This away mission is not gonna be big enough for the both of us..  
  
LemmeFixIt: Laughing Out Loud Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off  
  
ToBoldyGo: Uh, Phlox? On second thought, you'd better come with us. I'm not sure if MACO's actually bleed, but JIC, I'd hate to have one bleed to death on me.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Cast of Characters (incase you couldn't tell)  
  
FLuEnT sTaR19 Ensign Hoshi Sato  
  
ShootitifitMoves Lieutenant Malcolm Reed  
  
LemmeFixIt Commander Trip Tucker  
  
BoomerBoy Ensign Travis Mayweather  
  
Subcommander0001 Subcommander T'pol  
  
ToBoldyGo Captain Jonathon Archer  
  
Stethoscope336 Phlox  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
OK, This was just to give you a taste of If Enterprise had AOL. I will probably continue it soon. Sometimes it will be in a chatroom like this; other times it will just be between 2 characters.  
  
No, I will never manipulate Tucker and T'pol into having cyber sex. I promise.  
  
NB: Next chapter, Chef (my favorite character) might just get a screenname. 


	2. Crewmen

If Enterprise Had AIM  
  
Part Two  
  
By LikeAStone  
  
Thank you to everyone who reviewed!!! Those made my day  
  


* * *

  
Summary: Some crew(wo)men compare some of the senior staff.  
  
Caveat: Please read this slowly. It is easy to get confused on who says what and all that.  
  
Crewmen Chat56  
  
***PromoteMePlease has entered the room  
  


* * *

  
***EnterpriseAngel has entered the room  
  


* * *

  
PromoteMePlease: Hello.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: Hi.  
  
***NoPipsYet has entered the room  
  


* * *

  
EnterpriseAngel: Hey, NoPipsYet!  
  
***StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman  
  


* * *

  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: Ugh. What a day.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: I had a great day  
  


* * *

  
PromoteMePlease: That's because you had the day off, Ashley.  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: Yeah, I never get a day off.  
  
NoPipsYet: Where's Nicole??? She promised she'd be here.  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: Nicole Morris?  
  
NoPipsYet: Yup.  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: I thought she had target practice with Reed.  
  
NoPipsYet: What's taking her so freakin long?  
  
EnterpriseAngel: You know she has a crush on him, Matt.  
  
NoPipsYet: No way. He's too stuffy. Besides, he has wrinkles.  
  
PromoteMePlease: But he has that accent  
  


* * *

  
EnterpriseAngel: And those muscles!!  
  
PromoteMePlease: Oooh! Those muscles  
  


* * *

  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: And those eyes!!  
  
PromoteMePlease: Yes! He has the best eyes  
  


* * *

  
NoPipsYet: He's too short.  
  
***SputNikki has entered the room  
  


* * *

  
NoPipsYet: Hi, Nicole. You're late.  
  
PromoteMePlease: Yeah, Matt has been worried about you.  
  
NoPipsYet: Have not.  
  
SputNikki: Don't worry. Lieutenant Reed just wanted to give me a few extra tips.  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: We were JUST talking about him.  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: We've concluded he's has the best accent, muscles, and eyes. Anything you want to add?  
  
NoPipsYet: Oh, God.  
  
NoPipsYet: You left out stuffy, wrinkly, and short.  
  
SputNikki: He is not short  
  


* * *

  
NoPipsYet: I tower over him.  
  
SputNikki: At least he doesn't run into bulkheads like you, you big oaf  
  


* * *

  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: LOL  
  
NoPipsYet: That only happened once.  
  
SputNikki: Yeah, but it was SO funny  
  


* * *

  
NoPipsYet: Can we talk about something else, please?  
  
EnterpriseAngel: Sure. How about Reed's ass??  
  
PromoteMePlease: Haha.  
  
NoPipsYet: Not funny.  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: Ya know, Commander Tucker's ass isn't so bad.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: Oooh, I KNOW!  
  
NoPipsYet: **rolls eyes**  
  
EnterpriseAngel: **gazes dreamily into space**  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: Yeah, and his accent is even better than Lt Reed's.  
  
PromoteMePlease: No way. Reed's is definitely better  
  
NoPipsYet: Tucker's a hick.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: Nope, Tucker has a really great accent.  
  
SputNikki: Nuh-uh. It's Reed.  
  
NoPipsYet: Tuuuuuckeeeerrrrrr draaaaaaagggggsssss eeeeevvvvveeeeeerrrrrrryyyyttttthhhhiiiiinnngggg ouuuuuuutttttttttt tooooooo faaaarrrrrrrr.  
  
NoPipsYet: And Reed is a bloody poof.  
  
SputNikki: STFU, Matt. You're just jealous.  
  
NoPipsYet: Of who?! Of WHAT?!  
  
Sputnikki: Of Tucker. AND Reed.  
  
NoPipsYet: No way.  
  
NoPipsYet: I like my voice the way it is. At least I don't say "Innerprise."  
  
NoPipsYet: And I like my skin wrinkle-free, thanks.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: It's too bad that Reed's a senior officer and can't fraternize with us lowly crewwomen.  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: Yeah, I know!  
  
NoPipsYet: He's probably gay anyway.  
  
***NoPipsYet has been warned by EnterpriseAngel. NoPipsYet's warning level has increased 10%, from 0% to 10  
  


* * *

  
***NoPipsYet has been warned by PromoteMePlease. NoPipsYet's warning level has increased 10%, from 10% to 20  
  


* * *

  
***NoPipsYet has been warned by StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman. NoPipsYet's warning level has increased 10%, from 20% to 30  
  


* * *

  
***NoPipsYet has been warned by SputNikki. NoPipsYet's warning level has increased 10%, from 30% to 40  
  


* * *

  
NoPipsYet: OK, OK, stop, stop.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: You just wish he was gay!!  
  
PromoteMePlease: yeah, then maybe you could have a chance with him  
  


* * *

  
NoPipsYet: Yes, it's really too bad that he's straight.  
  
NoPipsYet: And that's he a senior officer.  
  
NoPipsYet: And that he's stuffy, short and has wrinkles.  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: Oh, shut up!! You know he could take you  
  


* * *

  
SputNikki: yeah  
  


* * *

  
PromoteMePlease: I really wish he was a crewman though.  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: yeah. That would be cool.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: Maybe we should get him demoted  
  


* * *

  
SputNikki: Any ideas, Ashley?  
  
PromoteMePlease: plant drugs in his quarters?  
  
SputNikki: Can we get Tucker demoted as well?  
  
EnterpriseAngel: haha  
  
SputNikki: And Travis too?  
  
NoPipsYet: While your at it, could you demote T'pol?  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: It would be illogical and an ineffecient use of time to demote the subcommander.  
  
NoPipsYet: You guys are no fun. Who wants to fraternize with those guys anyway?  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: I do.  
  
SputNikki: Me too.  
  
NoPipsYet: That was rhetorical.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: I'd want to fraternize with them.  
  
NoPipsYet: Rhetorical means that you aren't supposed to answer it.  
  
PromoteMePlease: yeah, me too, Ashley.  
  
NoPipsYet: You all are pathetic.  
  
PromoteMePlease: Who do you think would win in a fair fight?  
  
NoPipsYet: Why don't you fraternize with a REAL man? **wiggles eyebrows**  
  
EnterpriseAngel: Definitely Malcolm. He's the armory officer, after all.  
  
NoPipsYet: He has the added advantage of being small – hard to hit. Small target, ya know.  
  
SputNikki: Shut up, Pips.  
  
PromoteMePlease: If they were in zero gravity, Travis would definitely win.  
  
NoPipsYet: Sorry, Nikki. Forgive me?  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: What about Trip?  
  
SputNikki: maybe.  
  
NoPipsYet: Please? Cherry on top?  
  
EnterpriseAngel: Maybe if Malcolm and Trip took on Travis together  
  
SputNikki: Admit that Malcolm could kick your ass.  
  
NoPipsYet: Do I HAVE to??  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: Who wins depends on where they are.  
  
SputNikki: yes. Say it 5 times.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: yeah, where are they?  
  
NoPipsYet: **sigh**  
  
PromoteMePlease: how about  
  


* * *

  
EnterpriseAngel: yes?  
  
NoPipsYet: **clears throat**  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: where?  
  
NoPipsYet: **cracks fingers**  
  
SputNikki: hurry up, Matt. Before I forget what I'm mad at you for.  
  
PromoteMePlease: How about they're in decon, rubbing gel all over each other.  
  
NoPipsYet: Malcolm Reed can kick my ass.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: Oooh... who cares who would win?? Nice image. Thanks.  
  
NoPipsYet: Malcolm Reed can kick my ass.  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: Yeah, have you seen those guys without their shirts?? Man, they are ripped.  
  
NoPipsYet: Malcolm Reed can kick my ass.  
  
PromoteMePlease: yeah, especially Mayweather.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: yeah, but he flaunts it.  
  
NoPipsYet: Malcolm Reed can kick my ass.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: I kinda like how Malcolm is kinda modest – its like he doesn't even know how hot he is.  
  
SputNikki: one more, Matt!  
  
NoPipsYet: This is SO cruel.  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: Tucker is completely aware of his hotnessity though.  
  
PromoteMePlease: That's not a word – but it certainly describes the commander.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: yeah, except for when he wears those shirts  
  


* * *

  
SputNikki: c'mon, Matt, just one more.  
  
PromoteMePlease: yes, those shirts are so ugly. He looks so much better WITHOUT a shirt.  
  
NoPipsYet: Malcolm Reed can kick my ass.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: and without pants  
  


* * *

  
PromoteMePlease: LOL  
  
SputNikki: I forgive you.  
  
NoPipsYet: Thank you.  
  
SputNikki: Welcome.  
  
SputNikki: I heard from a MACO – who shall remain anonymous – that Tucker is a really good kisser.  
  
PromoteMePlease: hmmmm I wonder who that MACO could be.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: yeah, I wonder.  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: who could it be. Who could it be. Hmmm.  
  
SputNikki: Who do you think has slept with more women?  
  
EnterpriseAngel: If aliens count then it would have to be Tucker.  
  
PromoteMePlease: Even if aliens DON'T count, it would be Tucker.  
  
NoPipsYet: That's my cue to leave. I really don't need to hear all this gossip.  
  
EnterpriseAngel: Matt, you know Commander Manwhore has a sexy body. You know you want it.  
  
NoPipsYet: I really hope that the Captain is administrating this chatroom and reads everything you said. Bye. Bye, Nicole.  
  
SputNikki: Bye, Matt. See you at breakfast tomorrow.  
  
NoPipsYet: Sweet Dreams.  
  
***NoPipsYet has left the chatroom  
  


* * *

  
EnterpriseAngel: So, Sput, who do you think is hotter – Malcolm, Trip, or Travis?  
  
PromoteMePlease: Oh, come on, you know the answer to this.  
  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: Yeah, it is SO obvious.  
  
SputNikki: Is it really that obvious?  
  
EnterpriseAngel: Yup. D. None of the above – Matt Jenkins  
  


* * *

  
SputNikki: Don't tell him  
  


* * *

  
StarFleetsFinestCrewwoman: Don't worry. I won't. You two would make such a cute couple!! Even though his ass is not as cute as Trav's.  
  
PromoteMePlease: But not as nice as Trip's  
  


* * *

  
EnterpriseAngel: No way! Malcolm's ass is so much nicer  
  


* * *

  
SputNikki: Nuh-uh. Malcolm is much too short and stuffy. Besides, he has wrinkles.  
  
Congratulations to me! Longest chapter I have ever written  
  


* * *

  
(Sorry if it was TOO long)  
  
Please review. I mean, if you spent all that time reading it, you might as well tell me what you thought – even if it's just a number 1-10.  
  
Thanks, guys!! And thanks for all my previous reviews!!! Those were awesome.  
  
Also, if you sign in, I'll probably read some of your stuff. Because I love reading what my readers write.  
  
P.S. my sincere apologies if you absolutely HATED this and I wasted a lot of your time. 


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